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Welcome to whore island

Welcome to beautiful and sunny Whore Island.  This is where I am going to present opportunities for me to embarrassingly whore myself out for money and for you can help a starving scientist live a less stressed life. Why the fuck does everything cost money?!

Snarky streams Merch

Shipping is included in price. Prices are for merchandise made on demand, I hope with growth to lower pricing as production increases.

Sales made to other Texans are subject to a 8.25% Sales Tax on Goods and Shipping.  This tax is paid quarterly to the Texas comptroller under my Sales Use account.  If you need the tax number for some reason, let me know.  All additional income is reported to the IRS, and sales are handled under my Limited Liability Company.


ENvironmental COnsulting

Those who wish to employ my services as a scientist may do so by engaging my consulting firm of employment as listed below, typically in the West Texas and Southern New Mexico regions, but have been known to travel.  The process fairly simple and is follows: 

 

  • Problem
  • Scope
  • Proposal
  • Fieldwork
  • Analytical
  • Tabulation
  • Reporting

Problem

Typically you have a problem.  Either you know something happened, you suspect something happened, the state knows something needs to be done, or you otherwise suspect you have an environmental issue that needs scientific and/or engineering evaluation.  

Examples include spill response, environmental site assessments, soil/air/water sampling and analysis, geomorphology study, environmental impact studies, leaking petroleum storage tanks, whatever. 

Scope

A scope is a list of the work that the company will perform in order to best satisfy the problem. Typically after the problem is understood a scope of services is developed. Some things are easy to figure out; a Phase I Environmental Assessment, for example, could be completed in less than a week or so in a rush, depending on the client's responsiveness. Some things are less easy to determine at the start; let's say managing the environmental compliance for a chemical plant for half a decade.   

Proposal

Proposals are contracts for the scope of work. The proposal process varies between projects, but typically we'll have a meeting and site visit/research before a proposal is completed. When we sign off on a proposal we are  certifying we will complete the work proposed on within the budget presented based on observed conditions. Obviously, we are not magicians, we cannot foresee every worst case scenario.  We propose based on similar projects in the region and real calculations of weekly time applied. We issue a rate sheet with a schedule of our hourly rates and terms and conditions with every proposal. My firm is a licensed geoscience and engineering firm, my boss is a licensed geoscientist, his partner is a professional engineer, and I am a certified geoscientist-in-training.

Fieldwork

Fieldwork is when we go out of our office to go do something related to a project, not for the sole purpose of meeting.  Investigations, sampling events, engineering demolition or implementation, biological monitoring, wetland studies, and on... Usually there is a field vehicle fee, plus fees for supplies and transit time. Most fieldwork is either done time and materials (or explicitly quoted) for long term projects, or done in one day on smaller projects, as field activities get expensive quickly. You don't want to pay for fieldwork days you don't use, and you don't want to waste field time.  

ANALYTICAL

Sampling is done with stringent documentation and procedure, but analytical is on a whole other level.  For most measurements we will contract any one of a variety of certified national and local laboratories.  These are facilities full of neurotic people with an eye for detail, but not an eye for budgets.  We do our best to only select required tests or tests that would best indicate certain issues to help keep project budgets lower. We also check our lab invoices against quotes to help keep budgeting accurate.

 

Tabulation

A lab report is just a list of numbers, when you put them in a table with context they start to make sense.  When we get a lab report back, we go through every reading given and place it in an a database with regulatory numbers.  We can model, create figures with, and interpret this data.  Much of the data I get goes into a geographic information system, where I can use the data to build better understanding of the results. We build our conclusions and recommendations off this process.

Reporting

Reporting is the most important aspect of science. It is the culmination of all of the work presented in a format that is concise. We create beautiful documents, in my opinion, that illustrate the activities and results in a scientific manner.  Certain documents are held to strict national and state standards, and some of them even have to be certified by a Professional Engineer (PE) or Geoscientist (PG) who is staking his or her professional reputation on that document.  Lab reports come complete with Chain of Custody that illustrate when and where and who took a sample, labs provide their QA/QC screen results and we double and triple check all data for anomalies and attempt to explain them. 

 

Hire Us

ESSCO Environmental, Inc.

1000 Newman Street

El Paso, Texas 79902

Questions

Not all portions listed above are necessarily required, but that gives you a typical overview of the employment process for a consulting firm.  If you have any questions or comments, please share them with me. 


Freelance WOrk

If you need any non-sealed, basic documents, graphics, maps, or figures, please let me know.  I have most Adobe software, Microsoft Office, GIS Software, and so on.  I have some minor graphic design ability and I am able to effectively communicate for the most part.  I wouldn't say I'm lazy, I bust my ass to complete a project, but I will say I am selective on what projects I choose to do.  My rate is $75/hr for as long as I say a project will take me, unless some prior proposal is agreed upon.  I will not propose on work outside of my consulting firm of employment at the moment. 


 

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